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How To Stop Caring About Someone After A Breakup

You and your ex broke up months ago, and despite listening to Olivia Rodrigo’s Sour on repeat since then, you can’t help but wonder if they got that promotion they’d been working for and how their mom is doing. Seeing them on social media — especially doing things you used to do together — still stirs up more feelings than you care to admit. At some point, you may wonder if you’ll ever stop loving someone who was such a big part of your life. According to experts, it’s very possible to stop caring about your ex after a breakup. However, don’t expect it to happen right away.

“Just because someone has left you or rejected you does not mean your loving feelings for them turn off,” Dr. Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine and host of the How Can I Help? podcast, tells Bustle. “You may be angry, hurt, distraught, and still love them. We are able to hold multiple feelings in our hearts at the same time. If you already developed loving feelings for them, it may take time to grieve them and have your love dissipate, or you may in some ways continue to love them for a very long time, even if they broke your heart.”

Although there’s nothing wrong with caring about your ex post-breakup, it can become a problem if it’s holding you back. If you want to move forward but feel like you can’t, Saltz says it’s definitely possible to stop loving someone. “People fall out of love all the time, even when they don’t want to,” she says.

If you’re still feeling hung up over your ex and you’d like to move on, here are some things you can do.

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Emotionally distancing yourself from your ex can be tough at first, so be sure to take baby steps. According to Saltz, one way to do that is to invest your time and energy into other people. Plan fun nights out with your besties, catch up with someone you haven’t talked to in a while, or spend time with your family. If you feel like you need a fun distraction, you can try picking up a hobby as a way to meet new people.

“Stop searching out what your ex is doing or how they are feeling and detach from any emotional involvement for a while,” Saltz says. “Turn your attentions to other important intimate and valued relationships and engage with them instead.”

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When you get into a new relationship, it’s natural to fantasize about the future and what your relationship could be. According to intimacy coach Leah Carey, “There’s a name for this time: new relationship energy (NRE). It’s the period when everything looks shiny and perfect, which aids us in bonding with a new partner.”

But over time, this energy fades and you eventually start seeing your partner without the rose-colored glasses. At this point, you may see the actual person you’re in a relationship with, rather than the fantasy you fell in love with. If your ex initiated the breakup, you’ll both miss their presence in your life and grieve the loss of the fantasy you had.

According to Carey, self-reflection is key. Your fantasy idea of a relationship can be really “instructive,” she says. Instead of asking yourself, “How can I get over my ex?,” ask yourself, “What fantasy were they fulfilling for me?”

“Once you know the answer to that question, you’ll realize that your ex was just one of many people who could fill that space in your life,” she says. “You’ll no longer mourn a specific person because you’ll have a better handle on what to look for when you’re ready to return to dating.”

Sources

Dr. Gail Saltz, M.D., associate professor of psychiatry at the New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine, host of the How Can I Help? podcast

Leah Carey, intimacy coach

Adam Goodman, J.D., licensed marriage and family therapist

Katie Ziskind, licensed marriage and family therapist