14 Signs Your Relationship Won't Last, Based On How You Spend Time Together
It's completely normal to wonder whether your relationship will last. And there are a lot of different indicators about what makes a strong relationship or a weak one, but we often overlook one of the most basic and obvious tells: how do you spend your time together?
If you feel present and comfortable around each other, if you have fun, and if you communicate well, consider yourselves on the right track. If things feel awkward, your partner doesn’t value your opinion, or if you’re in a constant state of disagreement, that’s when the signs start pointing towards a breakup. According to certified matchmaker and relationship coach Daphney Poyser, “It's a good practice to routinely check in with your partner on a regular basis to ensure that you are both on the same page. It’s easy to let the day-to-day distractions make you lose sight of the time and energy that you are putting into your relationship to keep it healthy.”
Of course, there’s also the issue of not spending enough time together, which is a red flag on its own. If you’re pushing to hang out but your partner is often busy (or vice versa) you’re already off to a rocky start. "It suggests that there’s a disparity in what you both want this relationship to be,” Aimee Hartstein, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker, tells Bustle.
It sounds so obvious on paper, but it’s easy to look past even the most obvious bad signs in the early stages of a relationship. “[That’s when] dopamine is higher, which produces a sense of pleasure that may be greater than the reality,” Kelly Morrow Baez, Ph.D., LPC, NCC, a licensed professional counselor, tells Bustle. “It takes about four months for the ‘glow’ to wear off and for people to begin to be themselves — for better or worse.”
So if you really like this person, you can hold off on judging how compatible you really are ‘til then. But, if you're spending time together on a regular basis, there are a lot of different signs as to whether or not your relationship will last in the long run — here’s what to look for.
While it’s super common to go out for drinks with a partner, take note if it feels like you have to drink in order to hang out. Drinking could be your way of making an incompatible relationship feel more compatible. It also might be a way to mask negative emotions, Baez says, like loneliness or boredom.
To figure out what’s going on, try planning more dates where alcohol isn’t involved. Ride bikes in a park, get burritos, go to the movies — and see if you’re able to relax and have fun with each other without an adult beverage. If you struggle to get comfy or to develop a deeper connection over time, it definitely means this relationship isn’t for you.
Another telltale sign is if you and your partner have different ideas of what makes a good time. “If one of you is a homebody and the other one always wants to be out socializing, it will likely be an issue,” Harstein says. The same goes for being outdoorsy versus indoorsy, laidback versus adventure-seeking — the list of incompatibilities goes on and on.
You and your partner don’t have to share every single interest in order to work as a couple. You can both do things on your own and have separate hobbies. (In fact, that’s a good thing.) It is a problem, however, if you’re so different that you literally can’t make plans.
You’re not wrong to get upset when your partner is late for a date, when they cut you off mid-sentence, or do something else that leaves you feeling undervalued. “Do not make excuses early in a relationship for not feeling fulfilled,” says Cramer. “This can impact your happiness, cause resentment, and does not make for a relationship that will be healthy or happy over time.”
So take note if it constantly feels like you’re biting your tongue or compromising in order for things to work. “To some extent, making personal concessions in the honeymoon stageof a relationship is normal,” Cramer says. You just don’t want to make it a habit — overly compromising can lead to hiding who you really are, and vice versa with your partner.
Instead of talking with your new partner, do you find yourself staring off into space, wondering what your friends are up to, or — worst of all — checking your phone? If so, it’s OK to admit that you may not be a good match, certified counselor and dating coach Jonathan Bennett tells Bustle.
It could be a sign that you aren’t connecting, that you don’t feel comfortable, or that you aren’t ready to invest in the relationship. If the other person is also on their phone, well, you might as well call things off right now.
(Note: This one doesn’t count if you’ve been together forever. While it may not be ideal to check your phones while out on a date, doing so doesn’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible.)
