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7 Common Relationship OCD Triggers & How To Deal With Them

No relationship is perfect. But when you have relationship obsessive compulsive disorder, or ROCD, you’re constantly seeing your partner and relationship in a negative light. Naturally, this can harm your relationship in a number of ways. If you harbor a lot of obsessive doubts about your relationship, knowing the common triggers of ROCD may help you deal with your intrusive thoughts in a healthy way.

“All relationships have their ups and downs including moments of doubt, uncertainty, and ambivalence,” psychotherapist Dr. Avigail Lev, tells Bustle. “But with relationship obsessive compulsive disorder, these experiences of obsessive doubts and ambivalence about your relationship are pervasive and drastic.”

ROCD can manifest in many ways. You may spend days worrying about whether you’re with the right person or not due to one tiny incident. You may have doubts over the longevity of your relationship every time your partner irritates you. When you’re out with other couples, you may compare yourself and wonder why you don’t seem as happy as others. Every conflict may feel like it could lead to the end of the relationship, and it’s difficult for you to distinguish between normal relationship conflict versus toxic problems.

“You may also have a core belief, or schema, of perfectionism and unrelenting standards so you set extremely high standards and expectations for yourself and your partner,” Lev says. When you have standards that are very difficult for anyone to live up to, you’re more prone to ROCD.

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Knowing what triggers relationship OCD can help you better manage any intrusive thoughts you have. Here are some common triggers to be aware of and how to deal with them, according to experts.

If you’re at a party and your partner leaves to go to the bathroom, it may trigger your relationship OCD. According to Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist, being left alone in a social situation could have you questioning what your partner is doing, who they’re talking to, or how you measure up to the other people around you. These types of thoughts may cause some to “test” their partner’s feelings for them by flirting with other people, or acting out in ways that aren’t healthy for a relationship.

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When you’re in a social situation, try your best to remain calm. If you really want to check in on your partner’s whereabouts, Scott-Hudson suggests waiting at least 15 minutes before doing so. In the meantime, you can try jotting down your feelings in a notepad or your phone. That way, it can help you process what you’re experiencing.

When you’re around other “happy couples,” it’s easy to feel like your relationship doesn’t measure up in some way. Maybe you see your friends on social media going on weekend trips, and it makes you question why your partner never suggests doing anything fun or romantic. It’s normal to feel a little doubt and jealousy.

“While most people experience occasional doubt about their relationships, when you experience relationship OCD, anxiety and doubt end up completely hijacking the relationship, and it is continually on your mind,” Schiff says. If you find yourself being triggered by other people’s relationships, have a conversation with your partner about ways to bring more fun and romance into your lives. Nothing will change if you don’t voice your desires.

For folks who have relationship OCD, a variety of different situations can trigger an onslaught of intrusive thoughts. However, with the guidance of a therapist, it’s possible to overcome these nagging doubts through healthy communication practices, the repetition of affirmations, and practicing gratitude for your partner.

Sources

Dr. Holly Schiff, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist

Dr. Avigail Lev, psychotherapist

Christine Scott-Hudson, MA MFT ATR, psychotherapist